I am leaving you. Firstly, I would like to reassure you that neither of our lives are in danger, nor am I in any kind of ‘trouble’. Neither is it because I have met or fallen in love with another person. It is not because I no longer find you interesting or sexually attractive.
In fact, I love you more than ever in most ways. For example, you are more beautiful now than ever. That is not just my opinion. In the last few weeks I asked friends, acquaintances and strangers - of all genders and sexual persuasions - of varying degrees of familiarity to rate your beauty out of 10. I won’t go into my methodology now, but it turns out you rate a solid 7.375. You are almost 74 per cent beautiful!
And guess what? While all the respondants to my questionnaire found you to be photogenic, they all found you more attractive and funny in person than in your picture. I tell you this because it is unlikely that you will not meet another person.
I will really miss our lovemaking, which is deep, intense and satisfying. Your body is wonderful and I love running my fingers through your red hair, which I will always associate with autumn. Nine out of ten survey respondents agreed that you look ‘amazing’ against a winter sky.
And it is sad that we will no longer have those great conversations. I did not know that about the soap and the Aztecs. Nor did 82 per cent of respondents. I am sorry we will not be able to finish our conversation about the revival of the Czech language; I urge you to reconsider the centrality of the national theatre in the fostering of a distinct Czech identity.
Anyway, I want you to know that I will always love you and never purge you from my memory centres. Please forgive me. 64 per cent of respondents felt that it would be the best way for you to move on and find fulfilment with another being.